What has two thumbs, a balky back and has way too much time on his hands these days?

Hey ladies, he's single!

Yo soy es mas macho ... y herido!

This guy!

OK people, get ready to be proud of me. What? You’ve been waiting 25 years and it still hasn’t paid off? Well wipe the dust off those congratulatory signs and streamers, because today I’m starting to blog again.

Si, chicos y chicas, I’m back to my blogging ways and you know what they say, it’s like riding a bike: once you learn, you never forget and if you never really learned… then I guess the metaphor doesn’t really apply then.

Where was I? Right, the blog. So I’ve started writing the first post here several times and, after leaving it to finish at a later time, I’ve gone through about ten different drafts, none of which retained any sort of timeliness or relevance (I do have some dynamite observations about what happened three weeks ago though). Because if you learn one thing about me from these posts, it’s that I’m lazy I’m a perfectionist.

Anyway, all that build-up and stalling aside, I don’t really have much of a witty intro left in me. I’d like to think there’s something else a little more important to say here, but in my head all I’ve got is something like, “Well, you know Timecop is on AMC tonight” … so I think you see where the discourse is headed here. Either way, I’ve come this far and I’m no quitter (note: except for that last time I quit) so here goes.

Hi, my name’s Chuck. My friends all started blogs and inspired me to start writing again. I’ve listed them all below as the cast of Lost.

Gillie

Gillie

Kate

Kate

First things first, you have no idea how hard it was not to pick Sun here (you’re welcome, Gillie). Like Kate, my roommate Gillian manages an equal balance of feminine charm and ass kicking, uh, ass-kickery (you can’t see it in the picture, but she’s got a Colt .45 revolver stashed nearby and she will use it if you try to steal her tater tots from her.) Girls, enterprising guys, what have you, you can all check out Gillie’s ideas for a modern 21st century wedding at http://no-dowry.com

Brian

Brian

Jack

Jack

Like the islanders, people often turn to Brian for help. And like Jack, Brian always seems to deliver. And he’s a freaking Lieutenant JG in the Navy/Army/Something Or Other … I don’t quite know what that means, but why not just check him out here and ask him yourself? While you’re at it, you can hear him detail what life is like for a Naval Officer stationed in Iraq.

Darren

Darren

Hurley

Hurley

Unquestionably, Hurley is the moral core of Lost … and he says things like “Dude” a lot. I believe my buddy Darren exhibits one of these traits in spades (I’ll leave it to you to figure out which one). You can check out his ever-changing design portfolio and 21st Century Communist Manifesto at http://schwindamania.com.

Ide

Ide

Sawyer

Sawyer

Like Sawyer, Katie Ide isn’t one to suffer fools. She has the ability to say what is on everyone’s mind but few actually have the nerve to say. She’s also involved in a passionate love triangle with Gill (Kate) and Brian (Jack). You can catch up on her move to Chicago here.

Melia

Melia

Sayid

Sayid

Don’t let the genteel and exotic facade fool you, Melia could fuck your shit right up if pressed (Go on, diss Color Me Badd, I double dog dare you!) You can check out Melia at http://www.reschoolyourself.com.

Gener

Gener

Dr. Ben Linus

Dr. Ben Linus

It’s quite possible that my friend Gene is an evil genius. Gene cherishes his blog The Gene Pool like Ben does his island. And the “Tina Cursing Corner” is now a daily ritual for me.

Lisa

Lisa

Locke

Locke

My friend Lisa is one of the smartest people I know, and, like John Locke, if you cross her she will cut you. Also, Dr. Ben Linus drives her completely nuts. So there’s that. You can read her blog here.

Kathleen

Kathleen

Desmond

Desmond

Funny enough, Kathleen has spent the past three years living in a small underground bunker … I actually have no proof to backup that claim, but why not? You can read Kathleen’s blog, La Vita Curiosa, here.

OK, that’s all for tonight, folks. It’s good to be back.

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9 Responses to “What has two thumbs, a balky back and has way too much time on his hands these days?”

  1. Sweet baby Jesus, I haven’t laughed that hard in, um, days, weeks? Thank God you’re back, Chuck! When you’re not blogging, I have nothing to keep me from reading Perez Hilton and drinking whiskey all day long.

    I am so flattered you listed me as Kate! I’m glad someone finally noticed my ass-kicking skeelz perfectly complements my refined charm and feminine wiles. OMG, Brian, Ide and I totally DO have a love triangle! Oh, this opens a whole new world for me.

  2. You got that right, Chuck — I may have that kindly pan-Ethnic look that could cast me as Latina or any variety of “Oriental,” but diss Color Me Badd and I’ll shiv you. It’s a little known fact that the band was on the doomed Flight 815 and stranded along with the cast of Lost. This explains the group’s sudden disappearance from the pop music charts. Luckily, they found success (and amor) on the island: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U3IEVJ2Ixw

    Little known fact #2: George Michael’s Colombian cousin, Jorge Miguel, is a member of Color Me Badd.

    P.S. While you pegged the matches for all the other Lost characters, I have to object to my boyfriend being likened to Hurley.

  3. bbbliteration Says:

    Chuck, my only problem with this blog is that it took so long to happen.

    I can’t help but ask, by likening Darren to Hurley, are you calling him fat? I think you might be. Though you mention the ass kicking abilities for several other characters, Hurley did run over a guy in the van. So watch out. I’m not sure what Darren is driving these days, but if it’s a blue party bus with the skeleton of a dude name “Workman”, you’d best stay indoors.

  4. Relax people! I’m not saying Darren’s fat! And FYI, Darren happens to friggin love Hurley! Quoth Schwindy on the finale: “If Hurley dies, I’m gonna wreck someone!” See?

  5. That picture of Gene is so priceless. And I am so appreciate of you recognizing Gene and I having a love/hate – Ben/Locke relationship. SO TRUE. haha.

    If I were Brian and Gill I’d be pissed, because Jack and Kate are totally lame. LAME LAME. Especially Kate. I think you should’ve chosen Jin and Sun for them … we could’ve overlooked their Korean-ness.

    I can’t wait until HurleyDarren makes a 1500 word response to this, ending with something about time-traveling bunnies.

  6. Kathleen Says:

    While I did move to the far reaches of the world, and some may think I have been living in a bunker for three years, it’s not true. People have seen me, heard from me. Though for some reason I keep entering the same numbers into a machine and obsessing over my love for Penny, not exactly sure why…

    But I like Desmond. He’s cute, has a nice little accent and have you seen his muscles lately???

  7. Hurley is a wonderful person– why can’t you people see beyond his size? Jeez, Bri. I’ll be sure never to gain any weight since that’s apparently all you’ll notice!

  8. Kate and Jack are not LAME, they are HOT! Don’t hate, John Locke, just because you have a power struggle with my man. You just want us to be Jin and Sun because they’re ASIAN. Kate and Jack can totally kick ass and take names.

  9. “Though you mention the ass kicking abilities for several other characters, Hurley did run over a guy in the van.”

    Pardon my ignorance, but WTF?! Aren’t these people stuck on a damn island? Where’d Darren get a van?

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