Things I Am Ashamed To Like, Vol 1 – Coldplay

Hey, who invited the hipster marching band?

Hey, who invited the hipster marching band?

My secret, my shame, my silent fear that will one day end up on Stuff White People Like … I like Coldplay.

Sure, you may say, it’s OK. Lot’s of people like Coldplay. They’re one of the most popular bands in the world. It’s acceptable to appreciate the soft melodies and politically-conscious lyrics and the guyliner and the “Make Trade Fair” stuff and … oh, I think I just made myself sick.

I guess it’s not much of a secret to those of you that know me (which, as of now, is probably the sole readership of this thing) but I have been known to exhibit questionable taste at times – like, for instance, the other day when I begged off a free dinner invitation from my sister because I had to make it home in time to see Road House 2 on Spike (see: Things I Am Ashamed To Like, Vol 37). It’s as my friend Bob says, “I don’t so much accept these things, as I accept that they happened and, well, I can look beyond it I suppose.”

Anyway, let’s dissect this thing a little further so that we can arrive at a little something my therapist calls “desperately-needed closure.”

Why I Should Be Ashamed:

I think this pretty much sums it up. At some point Coldplay went from being the kind of dorky but likeable band that reminded everyone of non-depressing Radiohead to three dudes, Chris Martin and his magical, pulsating, purple lightning-spewing hands. Look at how intense the drummer is; he has little to no role in this commercial (or band really), but damned if he isn’t going to sing the shit out of his background vocals. Watching him is just damned depressing, like watching The Last Waltz and seeing Robbie Robertson sing his little heart out on that microphone that was secretly turned off.

…and then there’s Chris. Granted, I realize he’s the lead singer in one of the biggest bands in the world and he’s married to a Hollywood superstar and all, but “Holy self-important, Batman” can one human being really take themselves THAT seriously all the time. Favorite Chris Martin quote: “A name is just a noise, and if you like it then fuck what everyone else thinks.” And I, for one, concur; when I name my first-born Untitled Asshole Alexander, I know for one that I won’t let the tears from getting his ass kicked for such a shitty name phase me, because they’re just white noise after all.

Anyway, back to the video, my initial reaction was that it was gayer than two dudes getting it on. My second reaction was that, hey, it’s kind of catchy. My third reaction was to curse Chris Martin for his hooks and to just drink away the impure thoughts (“No, Jesus. It’s not like that. I swear.”)

Why I Pretend Not To Care What You Think About This:

Because Coldplay is just noise, bland, atmospheric, pleasant and easy-to-ignore noise and I like it (Hey, thanks Chris!). So I don’t give a fuck what you think.

Recommended Pennance:

Listening to an overabundance of Coldplay can lead to weeping, a heightened emotional state and possible male menopause. I think I need to get back in touch with the testosterone within. I’m going to go watch Road House and eat a steak, extra rare.

——
p.s. lest you think I hate Coldplay, here is my favorite song: Amsterdam

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6 Responses to “Things I Am Ashamed To Like, Vol 1 – Coldplay”

  1. It’s OK. The list of things I should be ashamed to like… well, it’s endless. Just a few…

    1. Dave Matthews (yes, like every college stoner in the late ’90s)
    2. Anything that can be classified as “unoriginal, godawful pop,” i.e. Ashlee Simpson, *NSYNC and all former contestants on “American Idol”
    3. Hootie and the Blowfish. Whatever, they have some really good songs!

    The thing is, I’m not ashamed at all! You know, just “fuck what everyone else thinks.”

  2. Oh. My. God. That video is exactly what I pictured while listening to that song on the radio for the 4,000th time last week. The drummer sure nails it every time.

    I really love “Clocks.”

    I’m not ashamed, per say, but I always roll up the windows when Jimmy Buffet comes on my car stereo. Otherwise, I get weird looks from all the Koreans in my neighborhood.

  3. I think that video was shot on site at the San Francisco Pride Parade. “Viva la vida”…multicultural AND catchy.

    I do have to admit getting a little misty-eyed at the “Tears stream down your face” crescendo during “Fix You.” Is that so wrong?

    Things I’m ashamed to like:

    1) Boy band hits (ditto, Gill) and choreography, especially when performed at karaoke. My favorite? “You are……DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOU!” from Backstreet’s “I Want It That Way.”

    2) US Weekly. I sometimes linger in the dentist’s office just to savor it, because I’ll only buy it (and Jell-o) to pamper myself when I’m sick.

    3) Oreo cookies, marshmallows, sugar cereals, and other processed delights. I’d eat an all-organic, veggie-packed dinner and top it off with a McDonald’s soft serve cone. Blame it on Mama Dicker for depriving us of corn syrupy goodness as kids.

    Re: Gill’s #3 — Dammit, Hootie, why didn’t you just pick a cooler name??

  4. bbbliteration Says:

    Chuck I agree on several counts, but particularly on the drummer. Any drummer who can perform his function with a single drum and drum stick, is not really worth his weight (with the exception of a marching band of course, which obviously depends on many individual drums).

    This dude does so little that he could be could be replaced with metronome. In fact, his part was actually played by a metronome in earlier versions of this video. Though it was able to keep the beat like, well…a metronome, the real person was ultimately chosen for his ability to move around, sing in a ridiculously, and to the appeal to the “human audience”. Metronomes everywhere, were obviously dismayed.

  5. bbbliteration Says:

    What am I a little ashamed of? creating this image to go with my above comment.

  6. […] also mention, this was after I CLOSED several other windows. Creating an image for a response to Chuck’s blog allowed me to add four or five more windows to the […]

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