¿Donde estuviste todo este tiempo?

Well then… how’s everyone been? Sorry for the lapse. Apparently Paul Newman’s death really affected me. Look for more in a few.

Not until we establish the rules…

The Coolest Hand

OH.. MY.. GOD..

This is the douchiest phone message in history. Run, Olga. Run for your life.

In case you were under the impression I’d been up to anything productive…

Bob has had the same away message since June: “I often think to myself ‘What makes Roy Williams any better than Christ?’ and I still haven’t come up with an answer.”

5:40 PM me: I think I know what makes Roy Williams better than Christ…

After months of dissecting this, I think I’ve come to a conclusion

5:41 PM Roy Williams plays for the Cowboys, right?

Who else plays for the Cowboys?

Tony Romo

Now who does Tony Romo date?

Jessica Simpson

But before that he dated Carrie Underwood

5:42 PM Now, the assumption here is that he dumped Carrie for Jessica

Now Carrie, bless her heart, has to turn to Jesus to take the wheel because her heart has been broken

Presumably by Antonio Romo

So, essentially, Jesus is her rebound

5:43 PM Now, assuming Roy Williams is able to horsecollar tackle one Don Antonio Romo in practice…

He will have sacked the man who sacked the girl who booty called Christ

Therein making Roy Williams better than Christ

5:44 PM I’ll let you think that one over for a minute

5:45 PM Feel free to respond any time you’re ready

I’ll just be here waiting, basking in the glory of my theological breakthrough

5:47 PM Bob: So, esentially, you are saying that Romo is better than Christ

me: No, and that’s the genius

Romo THINKS he’s better than Christ

Bob: And Williams is better than Romo

me: Romo is actually an idiot for dumping Carrie

Bob: thus making Williams better than Christ

5:48 PM well, I agree with you there

but if Romo is not better than Christ, I dont follow your argument

me: But, in thinking that he’s better than Christ, in line with his status as QB for the Dallas Cowboys, his ego is bordering on something near divine

5:49 PM Which makes it all the more supernatural for Roy Williams to drag his ass down by the shoulder pads

Bob: well, here is how I interpreted your argument:

me: Preach, brother

5:50 PM Bob: Romo > Christ, because Jesus got Romo’s sloppy seconds

me: True

But when I say that, I mean that Romo is only better than Christ in that one aspect

Bob: Williams > Romo, because Williams horse-collar tackled Romo

thus, Williams > Christ

5:51 PM me: So, for Williams to take down Romo is to, in some small way, be better than Christ

Bob: yes

me: Let me back up, you recognize the ability for one person to be better at something than another, but not necessarily be better, yes?

Like for instance, your knowledge of The Band would stump probably Jesus himself

5:52 PM However, Jesus has all the miracles and stuff, so he’s likely to be considered better than you

But, should I kick your ass in, say, Madden 08, it’s as if, in some small way, I’ve bested the man who was able to best Jesus in something

Make sense?

5:53 PM Bob: yes

however, in that argument, i do not see how Willaims is better than Christ

5:54 PM me: Because, it’s like saying Roy Williams has beaten the man who was able to beat Christ in the “mad game” arena

5:55 PM Roy Williams was more fleet of feet and able to perform a dangerous, illegal tackle to take down the man who said, “Here, Jesus. I’m done with this. You can have my leftovers.”

It’s really quite clear to me.

Do you still find this to be an unsatisfactory explanation?

Bob: you are making no sense

i have to go

me: Oh, am I not?

5:56 PM You know I’ve been thinking about this for YOUR benefit!

Fine

Be that way

I still think I’m right

Nay, I KNOW I’m right

Bob Wardlaw has signed off.

This will probably come back to haunt me…

…A special message, left for the man who constantly leaves the newspaper spread out on the bathroom floor at work.

Are we not civilized people? Do we not live in a society of rules?

Things I Am Ashamed To Like, Vol 1 – Coldplay

Hey, who invited the hipster marching band?

My secret, my shame, my silent fear that will one day end up on Stuff White People Like … I like Coldplay.

Sure, you may say, it’s OK. Lot’s of people like Coldplay. They’re one of the most popular bands in the world. It’s acceptable to appreciate the soft melodies and politically-conscious lyrics and the guyliner and the “Make Trade Fair” stuff and … oh, I think I just made myself sick.

I guess it’s not much of a secret to those of you that know me (which, as of now, is probably the sole readership of this thing) but I have been known to exhibit questionable taste at times – like, for instance, the other day when I begged off a free dinner invitation from my sister because I had to make it home in time to see Road House 2 on Spike (see: Things I Am Ashamed To Like, Vol 37). It’s as my friend Bob says, “I don’t so much accept these things, as I accept that they happened and, well, I can look beyond it I suppose.”

Anyway, let’s dissect this thing a little further so that we can arrive at a little something my therapist calls “desperately-needed closure.”

Why I Should Be Ashamed:

I think this pretty much sums it up. At some point Coldplay went from being the kind of dorky but likeable band that reminded everyone of non-depressing Radiohead to three dudes, Chris Martin and his magical, pulsating, purple lightning-spewing hands. Look at how intense the drummer is; he has little to no role in this commercial (or band really), but damned if he isn’t going to sing the shit out of his background vocals. Watching him is just damned depressing, like watching The Last Waltz and seeing Robbie Robertson sing his little heart out on that microphone that was secretly turned off.

…and then there’s Chris. Granted, I realize he’s the lead singer in one of the biggest bands in the world and he’s married to a Hollywood superstar and all, but “Holy self-important, Batman” can one human being really take themselves THAT seriously all the time. Favorite Chris Martin quote: “A name is just a noise, and if you like it then fuck what everyone else thinks.” And I, for one, concur; when I name my first-born Untitled Asshole Alexander, I know for one that I won’t let the tears from getting his ass kicked for such a shitty name phase me, because they’re just white noise after all.

Anyway, back to the video, my initial reaction was that it was gayer than two dudes getting it on. My second reaction was that, hey, it’s kind of catchy. My third reaction was to curse Chris Martin for his hooks and to just drink away the impure thoughts (“No, Jesus. It’s not like that. I swear.”)

Why I Pretend Not To Care What You Think About This:

Because Coldplay is just noise, bland, atmospheric, pleasant and easy-to-ignore noise and I like it (Hey, thanks Chris!). So I don’t give a fuck what you think.

Recommended Pennance:

Listening to an overabundance of Coldplay can lead to weeping, a heightened emotional state and possible male menopause. I think I need to get back in touch with the testosterone within. I’m going to go watch Road House and eat a steak, extra rare.

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p.s. lest you think I hate Coldplay, here is my favorite song: Amsterdam

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

Admit it, Baptists. God has a sense of humor.

Life sure isn’t easy living on Gay Street. Especially if you’re the Jesus-loving folks at Second Baptist Church, whose house of worship sits at the intersection of Gay and, hopefully, Irony Street.

That the San Antonio congregation has petitioned the city for a name change is no surprise. To quote one “churchgoer”: “First of all, Gay Street, that’s not a proper name because I’m anti-gay.” The church has proposed Second Baptist Way as a suitable replacement, but I can think of a few better options…

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Things I would like to do…

…to the a-hole that flipped me the bird this afternoon, AFTER running a red light and nearly hitting me.

In no particular order…

Inform him that Jheri curl has been out of style since 1990, and, since that time, only one man has ever been known to pull of that look…

You do not like my hair? How about I just beat the crap out of you then?

Recreate any number of steps taken in this video…

Track him down and lock him in a closet with these people until he goes insane…

"Most worthless man on earth, meet Spencer and Heidi..."

Trap him in a room and force him to listen to this on a constant loop…

Have my friend “The Enforcer” take care of business…

Lisa Campo may very well be the last thing you ever see, fool!

Explain this to me…

So in searching the Internets for the trailer below I came across this little nugget…

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OK, so you pretty much just had the same exact thought I did.

So, just to be clear on this, somewhere out there there’s a dude who just can’t quite get a handle on this NASCAR thing. “So whatta they just like keep goin in circles? This is some complicated shit.”